I think I may be in the closet


Since I can remember I’ve been drawn to color and bold visual statements and I’ve dabbled with toys in my alone time to see how much I like it. To see how deep I like it.

And just as I feared, I seem to have a whole that cannot be filled no matter how much time I spent at it. I started doing it a bit more in the open when my cousin wanted to open a dance studio and wanted a logo for it, like I said, I had the toys already but I didn’t really know how to use them and that’s what I told her when she asked if I could help her to whip up something.

It was dumb luck that I managed to come up with what I think is among the best I’ve done yet. It’s a stupidly basic set of hard-edged blocks puzzled born out of an unfinished idea I had for my own VN logo.

That was the day I started experimenting more but would never say it. My cousin, she was ecstatic and it was surreal that that logo was put into buildings and printed in festival passes, Ts, and whatnot and she will always bring it up whenever I was present which would be embarrassing because I didn’t think it was “professional” at all, I didn’t went to school to do this stuff and pretty much hacked it. Though the result was what I wanted, getting there was an accident. For what it. Not to toot my own horn but I do think it looks good, which is exactly why I kept shut about it. It was embarrassing to admit I barely got it and set the bar too high right from the beginning.

Furthermore, I have a couple of very common mental disorders (OCPD and ADHD) that for a while wouldn’t allow me to design outside of certain self-imposed confines.

Designing in a hurry slowly helped me discover new ways of doing things and letting loose because I wasn’t concerned with perfection but rather only looking to get something within a viewpoint then crop out the rest.

Somewhere around this time there were a couple of milestones that were hugely consequential on my path to self-discovery. Both were letters of one of my designs.

Then searx came…

searx logo

searx is a highly customizable metasearch engine (a search engine that uses other search engines) you can self-host. It’s an awesome privacy-oriented open source project that I’m all onboard except with its logo. It’s not the best.

So I came up with my own:

…and couldn’t stop there:

My server went online based on the my fork of the project as required and it was my intention to make a pull request so share my logos and favicons but I never got the courage to do so.

As my designing skills slowly improved one thing was getting clearer though…

I think I might be a graphics design artist in the closet. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe it’s just a phase. I don’t know. I don’t want to know.